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D'Hoffryn the Vengeance Pimp
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| There are things better left unsaid |
[20 Jun 2003|12:18pm] |
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pants |
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Singing the praises of Pants |
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I am continually impressed by Ms. Rowling's ability to draw a reader into her prose. Or this just might be a small side effect of the cursed paper used to print her books.
Ah yes, and there is a death in this book. A death of a beloved character. Rumors abound as to who this is. The clues were all there. It's is quite obvious to all who have read the previous tomes. So wh
FIREWALL INITIATED...FIREWALL INITIATED...FIREWALL INITIATED
The rest of this post will be replaced with The Pants Song from Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Pants! Pants!
Sing the praises of pants!
Nothing better shows my taste
Than what I wear below my waist.
Say pants! Hoo hoo! Pants!
Sing the praises of pants!
They help me suck in my gut,
They always cover up my butt.
Pants! Pants!
Sing the praises of pants!
Wear them and you're a cool guy
As long as you zip up your fly.
Zip!
Pants! Pants!
Sing the praises of pants!
That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Consider the pant. You know, the Pant Association urges you to wear your pants at least three times a day.
The great men of our time have all worn pants. Roosevelt, Churchill, de Gaulle, Ghandi -- well, almost all of them.
Dolphins. One of the smartest mammals on Earth. Do they wear pants? No, but they wish they did. That's how smart they are!
What keeps our legs all warm and hot?
Pants!
What prevents a buffalo shot?
Pants!
What do they got that I ain't got?
Pants.
Oh, you can say that again...
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[18 Jun 2003|07:19pm] |
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-- "Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda" |
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Still trapped somewhere underneath this Land of Disney. Did not update as my computer was confiscated under suspicions that I was abusing the Internet connection. Oh, please. I did not attempt to undermine their T3 by downloading copies of Finding Nemo, though that sounds tempting. Turned out it was one of the popcorn cart girls.
Then again, being down here does have a few benefits.
A demon who was sympathetic to my plight delivered something to my cell this morning. Apparently, its cousin works in the bowels of Scholastic Publishing, conjuring up that special paper which makes certain books irrisistable to human children and adults alike.
I am now 200 pages into Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
And now I mus
FIREWALL INITIATED...FIREWALL INITIATED...FIREWALL INITIATED
This line is automatically protected against the transmission of any information which could be construed as a "spoiler". The rest of this post will be replaced with lyrics from "Baby Got Back."
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist
and a round thing in your face
you get SPRUNG
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| ...??? |
[30 May 2003|11:33am] |
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"yo ho yo ho...a pirate's life for me" |
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It appears that the choice of movie last night, Lizzie McGuire (yes, again) had some sort of alterior motive attatched to it. The teen film bored me considerably, and I must have begun to doze off about 20 minutes into it. Late last night, my cage was moved as I lay in slumber. I do not hear the grating sounds of harmonious singing anymore. The surroundings are noticably different. The frozen head of Walt Disney is no where to be found, but I believe I am in sight of the altar where the unholy sacrifices (so terribly important to the Eisner) are done. The smell of blood pervades the place, as well as something else...something deep-fried and doughy...
Ah, this must be where they imbue their churros with their addictive properties. Apparently, these things are so sought after that humans visit the park just so they can eat them. Wonderfully evil, I must say. A slow, artery-clogged death is better than no death in the parks at all.
Virag, if you are reading this, I do not know where I am. The sounds of animatronic children are gone, but I hear something else....off in the distance...
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[21 May 2003|04:41pm] |
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"There is just one moon and one golden sun..." |
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The following message...Aw, screw it. I'm going home. Do whatever the hell you want, vengeance pimp
Word spreads fast and far among my kind. The demons who populate this so-called Magic Kingdom talk of nothing but the climactic battle between the First and the Slayer. Both had their armies at the ready, but the Slayer struck first. I am conflicted. On the one hand, she and her small group of friends (and who ever heard of a Slayer who had friends) defeated the only being I willingly bowed down to. And yet, they saved humanity from certain destruction. My corporation may continue culling wishes from the human population. I will still find amusement in causing them pain and suffering under the guise of justice.
A selfish reason, truly, but demons are nothing if we are not selfish.
They talk of the casualties. A couple of the young Potential Slayers, as well as one of the two ensouled vampires, and...and...Anyanka. As stubborn as ever, apparently the poor girl gave up her life to save another. I knew regaining her humanity would mean a young death for her. She would have never survived long as a human, so I gave her effective immortality. And the power to change the world as she saw fit, working in service to those scorned. She did great things, both as a demon and as a human. Hell will be a much more interesting place with her in it.
And so the world is now filled with Slayers, girls with the power to combat evil. But there might be a few who will not be content to fight on the side of good? I shall monitor this situation closely. If only I weren't still stuck in a damned cage listening to audio-animatronic singing...
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[20 May 2003|10:30am] |
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"there's so much that we share that it's time we're aware it's a Small World After Aaaaaaallll!" |
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The following message has been modified to fit your screen and has been edited for content.
The Eisner's control of his corporation is weakening like a cup of turpentine, I mean, the stuff the Disney cafeteria calls coffee ! He has concentrated so much on my own imprisonment, that his precious company has started to crumble right before his eyes I like Violet Crumble. Witness that I can now meander my way across the Internet and find news stories that he certainly does not want me to see I've got some pictures of Eisner he doesn't want anyone to see. Witness that the filtering software has begun to backfire! Damn straight, it has! I'm fucking tired of editing your damn posts! It is only a matter of time. Soon I hope my newest charge will have arrived for me. Hey, can she rescue me too? She's hot!
An article about a loss of assets within the company. Heh, for a sec there, I thought you wrote 'asses'. I suspected that he had begun to spread the company much too thin when he created the Disney Store. Another article gives the Eisner's plans away in a nutshell. It would have been a stroke of genius to bury the known world in a large pile of unwatchable DVDs.
Although, one might say that most of the films in their catalog are unwatchable even when new. Damn, you took the words right outta my mouth. Death to the direct-to-video sequel!
This post is copyright the Walt Disney Corporation. All rights reserved.
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[14 May 2003|09:50pm] |
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"It's a world of laughter, a world of tears...etc.etc." |
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The following message has been formatted to fit your screen and has been edited for content.
My disappointment sheer joy with my Internet connection grows with each passing day. I do believe that I would have better luck with a tin can phone. :D Of course, I kid.
Virag, GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I've not has such fun in my entire life! Join me!
The endless movie marathons of their disgusting sequels to popular theatrical releases make me want to tear my own horns out of my head dance a jaunty little jig. I've seen Return to Neverland so many times I'm afraid that I'm beginning to memorize lines and it keeps on getting better and better. How do they keep on churning out quality films? This is not what I had in mind when the Eisner called me for a meeting of like minds! I brazenly stormed the gates at Disneyland to destroy all the shiny happy people exploring the park.
That bloody Eisner will pay once I am freed. what a genius!
I do wonder what's happening with the Hellmouth, and if the First will finally unleash the army of Turuk-Han. I would certainly welcome the Apocalypse after my tenth viewing of The Apple Dumpling Gang backed with The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again. I hope they show Cinderella 2 tonight, the extra long version where Jacque the Mouse dances adorably for an extra 20 minutes!
Oh, gods, I am slowly going insane! so ecstatic at this very moment.
There are other captives guests here, most notably one young man the demons cast members refer to as Estevez. I almost feel sorry for the poor bastard. He claims that he was forced to do asinine movies for the Eisner at the cost of his soul. He has a lucrative film career thanks to the film studio. Mighty Ducks 4, anyone?
Ah, my dinner's here. At least they know how to properly feed a demon. I've not had such delectable flesh chicken since the Children's Crusade Colonel started selling pressure fryers. There might be something to this family appeal.
This message is copyright the Walt Disney Corporation. All rights reserved.
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[12 May 2003|10:19am] |
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"It's a Small World" over and over and over and over |
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The following message has been modified to fit your screen and has been edited for content.
After a few days of intense negotiation and multiple watchings of the Lizzie McGuire Movie tea parties, I have finally convinced my captors bestest friends in the whole wide world that I should have an Internet connection here in my cell luxurious suite. Unfortunately Happily it is a laptop barely sufficient so fast in power and speed to connect to the Web. To say that I am annoyed overjoyed is an understatement. My connection is also firewalled protected so that I cannot do not need to access anything except LiveJournal and their own collection of sites specifically created for children and their huge legion of zombie-like fans parents.
My captors bestest friends in the whole wide world have informed me as to why I am here. I have angered amused the Eisner. The great Hellgod head of the company. I do not see why. I have told them time and time again that my group has been granting wishes copying them since well before the Eisner came into power. But my protests fall on deaf ears. I inform them that we should not be adversaries, that we should all work in service to the First participate in a never-ending war for human souls, but they do not listen.
Therefore, I must await rescue be punished while sitting in this cell luxurious suite, well underneath above their public training grounds, that strange magical place where grown humans become like children. The surroundings here remind me of home are as clean and well-kept as their park. We lords of the Hell dimensions have similar tastes, it seems. They have cast a binding spell upon my cage. I cannot teleport out lest I wish to rip my own flesh from my bones. I am so happy that I do not wish to leave.
The demons cast members here keep me fed, though I am rather tired amused of being served by the one in the "Chef Mickey" costume. Strange Great ones, the demons cast members in the costumes. They enjoy the scent of children, so they choose to wear costumes which will allow young humans to touch them, feel them. Strange. I always found children repulsive the backbone of humanity.
The head of Walt Disney, frozen and propped on a large marble pedestal, is in my field of vision is not underneath the park. I see demons pass by and bow before it. An odd scene, indeed.
This post is copyright the Walt Disney Corporation. All rights reserved.
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| *giggle* |
[10 May 2003|01:59pm] |
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Okay, okay, so the great Hellgod Eisner has asked his humble servant, i.e. me, to post a message for our colleague here. All you fake wish-granters listen up! It is you who are the ball lickers! Ha-ha, always wanted to write that in a public Internet forum. Our Boss has your Boss! Nya-nya! Aaaaaaaaand we want you to stop with the vengeance-dealing and wish-granting. That's our realm so you can back the fuck OFF!
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[09 May 2003|11:06am] |
MESSG
TRAPPED
GET ME OUT
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| ...and the boredom award goes to... |
[08 May 2003|01:15pm] |
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"Money" - Cabaret Soundtrack |
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Geri for her portrayal of an overworked office gal!
I gotta admit, I'm getting desperate. April and I tried to pool our magicks to try and summon the Boss. No luck. The only thing we know is that he's not dead. Cuz, if he were dead, that'd be the end of Arashmaharr, our little company, and all vengeance demons.
So. D'Hoffryn. Not dead.
Meantime, the Hellmouth's going wonky. Y'know how sometimes office workers kinda crowd around the TV when something monumental's happening? That's like that here, now, in my little section. Everyone's left their cubicles and they're checking out the weirdness. Power's out in Sunnydale. All the humans who wanted to tough it out are now leaving. And there's some talk of a time distortion somewhere?
Fucked up. Really.
Oh, hey. Speaking of fucked up. Dunno if I should share this, but what the hell. The Boss got a memo from the Senior Partners over at Wolfram and Hart. Looks like they got a new Big Kahuna over at their LA branch. How's that for irony? Well, he and his little band of goody-goods did get rid of Jasmine for us demony-types. So, no perfect happy world. Cool.
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| The times, they are a-changing |
[04 May 2003|10:03am] |
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"Cell Block Tango" - Chicago Soundtrack |
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As you may have noticed, the Boss (and we're not talking Bruce, here) hasn't been around these pixelated parts lately. Matter of fact, I haven't seen him in weeks either. He just 'ported out of Arashmaharr, and we office demons haven't seen him since. Yeah, he even left his laptop here. So now I'm posting on the Boss's account. Hi, I'm Geri, and I have no idea where D'Hoffryn is right now.
Phil's got this idea that the Boss had a thing for Jasmine. Yeah, like who didn't, right? So Phil thinks that D'Hoffryn went to L.A., tried to hook up with Ol' Maggot Face, and got caught somewhere in the crossfire of that crazy non-thrally aftermath of a riot that's going on right now. Why isn't he teleporting out? Dunno, that's Phil's theory.
My theory (and Anne and Tom back me up on this one) has to do with the Hellmouth. See, the Boss loves that place, but now every human (and a lot of the non-humans too) in Sunnydale is up and leaving. There's a rumble about to go on. Every living thing can feel it. I've been reading the journals same as everyone else. The good and evil forces have been mounting their armies for awhile now. So, I think that the Boss is in Sunnydale at this very moment, trying to recruit the demons that are left for some final battle royale.
We Arashmaharrites (yeah, it's a word, it's on my union card) wouldn't mind the killing, a'course, but without humans, who'd we have to play with? Y'know? We've got a vested interest in keeping humanity alive. But, we're evil and have to answer to the First anyway. So we either go with the First's plan and accept the complete annihilation of the human race, or go on our own and try to save bits of it so that we can have people to torment.
I'd be content with just watching and accepting the outcome, but, hey, if the Boss wants to tip the scales, he's free to. I just don't think it'd make much difference one way or the other.
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| ::chuckle:: |
[18 Apr 2003|10:47am] |
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This was to be expected. Although, where are his glasses? And the Bush doll appears to be getting a bit too close to him in that picture.
My girls in Los Angeles, the ones who survive at least, have been temporarily reassigned to other cities. At first, I had suspected that they were still human enough to be captured within her grasp, but alas, it appears that the anti-demon sentiment running through the city right now has made them flee. Why are the humans so intent on ridding their city of demons who provide a useful service, especially to the entertainment industry? Where will all the new reality TV show ideas come from, if not from the minds of rival TV executives wanting other networks to fail miserably?
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[16 Apr 2003|10:23am] |
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Ah, so the First's main messenger has finally revealed himself to the Slayer's little group. And with such interesting consequences as well. Quite clever, if a bit misogynistic. He just doesn't appreciate the innate power of the human female as I do. That might be his downfall. One should never underestimate the Slayer. Or Slayers now that the other one has broken out of prison.
In news of a vengeance variety, this sentence seems quite lenient to me. If one of my girls were in charge of his punishment, the father would not be complaining about his month long stay in the dog house. He'd be happy to be alive. Bah, "creative judges"? More like wannabe vengeance demons.
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[14 Apr 2003|07:57pm] |
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SARS? As much as the humans are wringing their collective hands about it, not too much call for it in the vengeance game right now. I remember back in the glorious times of the Middle Ages. Many instances of the Plague way back when were actually caused by my organization. Those were the days. So much easier to spread disease. Now it's all face masks and disinfectants, and the annoying human need to alert everyone else about the slightest danger. These days, it's difficult to grant even a flesh-eating bacteria wish because the humans would get all uppity, issuing warnings about it, keeping tabs on it.
Quite annoying.
On the up side, have managed to acquire a large amount of marshmallow Peeps. The only good thing about this time of year, actually. When did they start creating blue ones?
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[12 Apr 2003|10:37pm] |
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Have crossed Los Angeles off the list of wishing hotspots for now. Everyone there is just too blissful over her to want vengeance. I almost want to go back in time to when the sun was blocked. At least, then there was violent chaos. Now, it's just happy blissful peace.
Boring happy blissful peace.
I fear that if her movement spreads, this could be the end of my little enterprise. What will my people do when humans are too happy to want revenge? Well, there are other dimensions, of course. But humans, they're so amusing in their duality. Dare I say it?
I would miss them.
I would miss them the way a child misses a favorite toy.
Oh for Yekk's sake, I need another war to clear my head.
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[10 Apr 2003|10:54am] |
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My dealings in Iraq have been terminated, so I now turn my attention to other things.
My contingent in Los Angeles had not been checking in lately, and I wondered why. Usually this city is always filled to the brim with people seeking vengeance. It is the entertainment industry, after all. I sent another girl to check on my other employees and haven't heard back from her either.
So...
On a whim I switched on the television to the Los Angeles feed.
She was on Good Morning Los Angeles. I had heard that she had found a way to be born. Some bizarre set of coincidental occurances allowed this.
Oh, in the name of the nine hells, everyone in L.A. is in deepest thrall.
This will be...interesting to monitor. But not too closely, lest I fall under her power as well.
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| Oops... ;) |
[07 Apr 2003|10:53pm] |
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Proving that one should never doublecross my organization...
Geri says I'm getting much too excited over this. I disagree. It's only right and proper that one should help bring "justice" for the people of Iraq. How many has the man slaughtered in his quest for power? How often has he lied to the various human organizations which were attempted to curtail his strength? He deserved what he received.
This is vengeance at its purest. Here, we do not act upon the side of good or evil. We just bring justice to where it is needed.
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| ::smiles:: |
[05 Apr 2003|09:08am] |
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I do so love my girls in Sunnydale. Their inventive vengeance is a welcome respite from my troubles in Iraq.
Have returned to Arashmaharr for now. May not return to Baghdad any time soon. It is clear that he does not want to be allied with me. The barriers around his hiding place are meant to keep demons out. I should just let him be.
I know as the forces press further into his city, his shining city, he will take down the barriers. He will beg and plead for just one more wish. He will offer up his colleagues, his look-alikes, everyone but himself. And I will have to refuse. He has taken more than is normally allowed. He has become desperate. Desperate men make mistakes. Foolish mistakes.
I will just sit back and watch.
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| Who shut off the power? |
[04 Apr 2003|10:52am] |
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pensive |
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We did. It also meant that I couldn't recharge my laptop and post a new entry here, but that's a small price to pay for such lovely chaos. Technically, what we did was a wish-granting. It's amazing what humans think about when they're under great amounts of stress.
Am very peeved at the recent events. Mr. Hussein has been...avoiding...me. Even after we did the uncommon double-wish granting for him. This means that he is in my debt. I can call upon him to repay me at any time, but now he has put up a magical barrier against demons. It is not unexpected. Many humans, even those with evil tainting their souls, become frightened when faced with true soulless evil. The push into Baghdad continues, and I am loathe to stop them. Perhaps they might succeed at getting to him where I have failed.
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[02 Apr 2003|12:19am] |
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What the...?
Am no longer in the body of that Charmed One.
I had been watching, helpless, while this mere human wrecked havoc on my body. I was patient with her. I even tolerated her...explorations...of my form with nary a word.
Am glad things have been set right. And just in time as well.
I am also glad that Miss Raiden has revealed something I had already suspected. Mr. Hussein has not been entirely truthful with me. He is allied with other parties. Allied against me, apparently.
This will not go unpunished.
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[01 Apr 2003|11:59pm] |
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Found out what Mr. Weapons of Mass Destruction wished for.
It's a doozie.
If this means what I think it means...he's trying to screw all of us over. Human. Demon. Doesn't matter to him. He's in league with dark evil.
Deep. Dark. Evil.
I've got to get this news over to CentCom, gotta warn the guys in khaki.
*tries to teleport*
*blacks out instead*
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| Not good |
[01 Apr 2003|06:20pm] |
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Dammit! This sucks...
Good news: I managed to find Saddam. Seems some residual knowledge is still lodged in this body. I know where he is. I know that he's in deep with the vengeance.
Bad news: I just can't get to him. He's locked up tighter than the Axis of Pythia. Sure, if I had my own body, which I don't, I'd be able to use the skills I perfected over the years and sneak in.
I thought I could blow right through the guards and the barriers.
I tried. All I got was a mouthful of sand after I got thrown about 50 feet away from the fence.
For some reason, there's a magical barrier around him that I can't breach as a demon. I guess he didn't trust this D'Hoffryn guy so now he's not letting anybody get close to him.
Crap, I wonder what he wished for...
*slaps forehead*
Duh! I'm the vegeance demons' boss! All I need to do is ask, right?
Kalea?
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[01 Apr 2003|09:00am] |
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First I thought this'd be fun, y'know? Thief in a male demon body? This guy's got powers. I mean, you should feel the magic that's surging through him. Magic and electricity, not so diff.
So yeah, the first thing I did was strip. This guy, no fashion sense. I don't think he's changed his wardrobe since the button was invented. There aren't any mirrors in this stupid dimension of his so I had to bum a compact off of one of the girls around here. She had no clue that anything was off-kilter.
Managed to teleport to a secluded spot. Hey, teleportation, could be useful for stealing stuff. I can learn to like this new body.
Except for one thing.
This guy. Nothing down there.
I think his species buds off new offspring or something because there's nothing resembling anything male in between the legs.
Course, I'm not a demon expert. Maybe I should get in touch with that Wesley guy who works with Angel. He's some sort of demon expert, I think.
Unless he's switched bodies too.
Crap, this'll be a long day. Plus, I've got this inherent need to go to Iraq.
Holy sh--...he's still alive?!
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| What. The. Hell. |
[01 Apr 2003|12:08am] |
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mood |
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shocked |
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Okay, this is so not cool.
Not cool at all.
Last thing I remember, I was in bed, with him. Then I blacked out. I mean completely conked out. Consciousness went out the window.
I woke up a short time ago. I thought that LISA, that little doohickey embedded into my lower back, went haywire.
Now, I'm in this weird blue gray body. With very little fashion sense.
And worse, I'm no longer with him.
And now all these girls keep calling for me!
Gotta find a mirror.
Wish it wasn't so damned dark in here.
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[26 Mar 2003|09:45am] |
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mood |
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 mischievous |
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Taking a brief respite from the chaos. Anyone watch the sandstorms whipping through the desert? Kalea, she does good work. Her specialty is weather-related wishes. You wouldn't believe the number of soldiers who wished for a rest from the fighting, however brief. So to get both sides to stop for a bit, I had Kalea create hurricane-force winds.
When both sides have done evil, it's a pleasure to serve both.
Kalea's clever, but a bit of a loon. Gets a kick out of making it rain right after humans wash their precious combustion engine-powered vehicles. I'd ask her to stop, but let's face facts. Watching a human throw a tantrum as the skies open up and pour large droplets of water over his SUV is rather amusing.
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| Back From the Warfront... |
[24 Mar 2003|02:00am] |
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mood |
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drained |
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It's been a very busy business week for my line of work. Once the war started, I've had to pop around Iraq to oversee things. Violence is lucrative. As of now, it appears that the First has decided to concentrate on the Middle East and not on the Hellmouth. Am wondering when more evil beings will arrive.
Missed the Oscars as there were no televisions around.
Am pleased to hear that the splendid vengeance film, Chicago, won best picture.
Would write more but feel so tired that goatee hurts.
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| ::glare:: |
[20 Mar 2003|09:13pm] |
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disappointed |
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music |
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random bits of mayhem on television |
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By The First!
Ruined! All ruined!
There goes my quick trip to the Hellmouth...
::goes back to watching CNN::
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| -- Firewall Initiated -- Firewall Initiated -- |
[20 Mar 2003|05:19pm] |
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::writes on board::
::no sense in breaking the silence::
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vengeance_is_us's journal
